You’ve heard me ramble on about miscarriage plenty, in the hope it encourages more discussion, but often male partners can be forgotten.
Just as we still put the emphasis on ‘mother and baby’, there is often more focus on ‘mother and miscarriage’ too. It’s difficult because the physical pain and most of the subsequent testing is borne by the woman in the relationship and means that the man takes a back seat as a matter of course.
I can only speak from my own experience, and it is bloody hard to start a conversation about miscarriage amongst women so I hardly think that when men get together, they chow on down about their innermost feelings about baby loss, but it has just as great an effect on their emotional wellbeing and hopes for the future.
My first miscarriage took place abroad and so I know that my husband felt completely helpless as he wasn’t even physically there and so could literally do nothing. I think he was just glad that I got back in one piece. My second miscarriage happened on a night when we had planned to be at a friend’s house party and so I think it was easier to escape the situation for him and get out of the house as I had my parents with me and he’d already had annoyingly apathetic responses from NHS Direct to just fucking deal with it basically as it was the weekend.
My third miscarriage was a kick in the teeth as we honestly thought that things would be OK after the progesterone seemed to have helped sustain a healthy pregnancy in between but nothing is certain, and there’s nothing like another pregnancy loss to remind you of that.
It’s very easy to become very inward looking about what is going on with your body and minimise unintentionally the hurt and confusion that is felt by your partner. Their hopes are also being dashed repeatedly and they have even less control over the situation. I found that because the physical miscarriages were happening to me, I knew what I was able to bear whereas the person who is seeing it happen to you finds it almost too unbearable. Every knock you take reverberates even harder against your partner.
It’s a big strain on a relationship and it is so important to remember you are in it together.
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