This month I have been mostly getting annoyed with those unimportant things in life that still make you want to hurl something through a window as you stumble about in the sleep-deprived fog that is having a three-month-old-baby. Here’s my top five gripes:

1. Baby rocker chair legs (example A) – these stick out further than your eye can process so you trip over them at least six times a day and it’s fucking painful. See also high chair legs.

2. No matter where you put the pram, the sun is always in the baby’s eyes – is this an actual law of physics?

3. Dirty fingernails (example B) – why? Has the baby sneaked out to grub around in the garden in the middle of the night?

4. Killer latches on doors at the exact height of baby’s head (example C) – you are in danger of taking an eye out so you have to do this (example D). In the meantime, you have ripped numerous tops and garrotted your arm at least three times in the past week.

5. Lanolin – great for sore nipples, completely ruins clothes, leaving you looking like you have rubbed your breasts in butter through your top. And forgetting to reattach your bra after feeding means often unwittingly flashing your nipples to several home delivery drivers amongst others, too.